hopelessly trying to articulate the utter chaos of my inner workings...
got a job. landscaping and utilities for the city of hillsboro. full time. $9.50/hr. overtime if i want it. working outside, getting a tan, exercise, and fresh air. starting monday.
then why do i feel so unsettled about it?
because i'm not working with a vet. or animals in general. granted, it's a good chunk of money, over 3K, for only 8 weeks of work. and i can certainly put it to good use. but still... i'm not doing so well at making my dreams become reality. which makes me wonder how important they are to me, after all.
i don't deal with change very well, i think. i like the life i've been getting used to for the past month, getting up to go running with andrew in the morning, spending time with him during the day, hanging out with my family, seeing friends that i haven't seen in a year. and i want a job slash need a job, and a full time short term opportunity is exactly what i've been wishing for. guess i got it. should have been more careful.
however, it will be good to have something to do next week since my sister goes back to astoria on sunday and i would have been home alone all week. i would have gone crazy. literally crazy. and once andrew gets back, who knows... maybe he'll get a job too. we can still be together in the evenings. no more running in the mornings... maybe we'll do bike rides on the weekends or something. god i miss him. called me last night, sounding tired and a little bit too stressed, considering it was only the third day, but sounding like he was having fun. hopefully i came across as being alright. i didn't cry, though i wanted to at one point. i told him i was feeling better than i had last week, which was true. i don't want him to worry about me, because it doesn't help either of us and he has enough on his hands. i can't wait to see him on saturday. that's a lucky break for both of us, since i won't be able to go to salem on visitor's day because he only gets some time off and it's not worth the gas money to get to see him for 3 hours.
things are going to be alright. i find myself saying that a lot recently. and trying to believe it.
soo... again it's been a few months. i don't know how long, actually. this blog is starting to become a tool of necessity, a place where i no longer write about my everyday life and instead try to preserve my sanity by pouring out my anger, sorrow, fear and overall depression in hopes of making my world a little lighter. so don't read this... it'll probably make you feel bad too.
i came home for the summer. since march i've been trying to get a job with a vet clinic, and despite the fact that i applied at 10 different places, they all came to nothing. since then, i've been trying to simply get a job, any job, but i'm not having much luck finding places that only want summer help. in fact, zero luck. This feeling of desperation is beginning to pool in the bottom of my stomach. granted, i could probably get by without the money. i have a fair amount in my savings account. but i feel like such a failure, and the problem is only that of time and location, really. there are plenty of jobs that i'm qualified for... it's whether i'm going to be here long enough, or in the right place for long enough to do the job.
i've thought about going back to corvallis for the remainder of the summer and getting a job there that i can continue in the fall. but i can't stand the idea of living alone for two months. i get so lonely as it is if no one is around, and living by myself would probably drive me insane.
on top of all this, andrew's gone for the next two weeks; camp counselor at an arts camp. he'll be back for the day on saturday because his sister's getting married, and then he leaves again for another week. not sure if he'll be back on my birthday or after it. doesn't really matter, i suppose... birthdays tend to take on less of a novelty the older one gets. but it'd be nice. i miss him, a lot. i'd just gotten used to being around him all the time again, and then he's gone. and before, when i was at school, i was constantly up to my neck in homework and clubs and appointments and work... and now there's nothing. just a void, and an infinite amount of time to think negative thoughts.
depression is sneaky. for me, it's almost always there, hiding in the background, waiting for the first opportune moment to appear. most of the time, staying busy and being with people who care about me is enough to stave it off, but sometimes, i get so stressed out and upset, about myself, my life, where i'm going, and why i can't deal with my problems the way i'd like to, that it hits like a brick.
i got hit with the brick about 5 days ago. thursday, i suddenly realized that i still didn't have a job and andrew was leaving. i couldn't help but cry. and i think i made him worry. i love him, so much, and i don't want him to be stressed about me while he's at camp having a good time. i just wish i wasn't as despondent as i am right now. it kind of comes in waves; i'll be alright for a while, and then some thought or memory will trigger it and i will tear up right there wherever i am, and there's nothing i can do about it. except wear sunglasses. heh.
alright. emotional dump over for the day. i'm too emotionally tired to think about this any more. time to get on with my life. at least to try.
so continues the saga...
got my second rejection today. only four more to go. i'm pretty bummed about the idea of working in a crummy job this summer and having to volunteer to get my vet hours in. not that i would mind volunteering, but it would be so nice to get paid for something that's mandatory to have before i even apply to vet school.
i'm spoiled for jobs too. i've never had to really apply for work, not like this... things have always just fallen into my lap. which is great, but shitty because now i don't know how to deal with the stress of having to look for work and being turned down. i don't really understand why i'm getting turned down, either... i mean, isn't this what i'm supposed to be doing? applying for positions at vet clinics as a base assistant? doing their dirty work? cleaning up the cat crap and the vomit and washing stuff and that sort of thing? i have at least two friends who have done it, and didn't seem to have a problem getting the job... so who knows. i'm pretty irritated that for all the great jobs i've had i can't seem to get one that you would think not that many people would want to do.
going home tomorrow. i'm thinking about leaving early and just dropping in on the clinics i didn't contact. maybe i'd get lucky. i'm trying to be an optimist slash apathetic about it because i don't like feeling like i want to cry all the time. this is one of the hardest things i've had to do in a long time: to really put myself out there and just wait to be hit with a "no, not interested..." shit. this sucks.
hmm... why don't i just complain some more... yeah.
andrew's done with high school in two days. lucky bastard.
I have work for 6 hours today, which consists mostly of mindless drivel like addressing envelopes or filing things... but they pay me well. $9.50/hr isn't too bad for not really doing much. My boss is leaving at the end of this school year, so i most likely won't have a job in this department come September. However, the wife of one of the professors here works in the vet school as an equine reproduction physiologist, and i put together a resume, transcript and letter of recommendation which she is taking around to people over there. It would be so sweet to get a job there.... but i guess i shouldn't count on it. I'm already feeling kinda bummed out about this summer. Tomorrow I'm going to call back all the clinics that i faxed last week, and i'm already steeling myself for mass rejection. That's the only way i can cope with it, really... just figure i'm not going to get any of them and then be pleasantly surprised if i do. if i hope for anything i know i'll just melt and break down, maybe right there on the phone, and how embarrassing would that be?
side note: memorial day weekend. i'm going home for some well deserved rest, and maybe a beach trip. depends on the weather. Right now it's grey and stormy outside, and on and off raining... urgh. makes it hard to get up in the morning when i've gotten used to sunlight pouring through my window at 6 am and suddenly it's dark until 8 again. .
birthday wishes: pony. ...yeah. that's it.
so i've been gone. for a while. i'd say like this entire term. whoo.
life gets in the way of things you want to do, and sometimes they get tossed to the side. but i'm back. at least for today.
i don't really feel like writing out the the last 8 weeks of my life. lets just say that i had a good time at the beach over spring break, and *poof* it's suddenly week 7 of the term.
my hair dryer caught on fire this morning. what an adventure. there was a short in the base where the cord connects to the handle, and suddenly it was sparking and flaming. i shrieked and threw it across the room, luckily toward nothing in particular, and it went out. kind of a bummer, but i guess i should be grateful that i just have frizzy hair now and not no hair at all. shoddy work, shoddy work... they don't make things like they used to.
so i've put in applications at 6 veterinary clincs near my parents house, in the hopes that at least one of them will want to hire me for some part time summer work. before even applying to vet school, i have to have a minimum of 300 hours of working with a vet; they want you to have practical experience since vet school is almost entirely theoretical now. they used to let the vet students do everything, but in this day and age, the lawsuits are too expensive to have mere young'uns do anything besides dissect things.
Andrew has bronchitis. boo.
woke up today and it wasn't real i wasn't here i'm
just shape and shadow and the light is grey grey like
the storm i once watched at the beach it blew over the
waves and enveloped me possessed me and i felt new and
weak and wondered why my legs were shaking with relief
realized it was proof that life is bigger realer
tangible that life is filled with turbulence and
imposes itself upon me and i can do nothing it weakens
me while building me up and in my mind was a sign of
faith proof that i was not alone
today the light is only grey and it is not the day
where i once watched a storm at the beach and became
eternally mortal today is only grey and mortal on its
own hurt wounded starving for a sign of order but grey
grey grey like frozen breath on morning air that
lingers unsustained and never quite goes away
woke up this morning to an inch or so of snow on the ground, although rapidly melting. have to say, i wasn't surprised, in fact i even called it last night but no one believed me.
only 6 more days of classes, then two days of finals, and then i am done! for the term. i've got a spring break internship set up with a vet office at home, so that's excellent. feeling really good about things right now. ready to be done, but at the same time, not stressing out too much. good times.
yay for spring break beach camping! oregon coast in the spring... ah.
oh buddy... this blows. i hate registering for classes, mostly because usually all the ones i want to take, with the exception of my animals science classes, are full before i even get a shot at registering. damn. i have fifteen minutes to go before it will let me log on, and i just know that someone, somewhere, is taking my place in my basketball class... or my chemistry lab... or anything else that will screw up my perfectly designed schedule. ah, the little things in life.
on a side note, who else is watching the Oscars tonight? i know i am... for jon stewart! booyah!
frustrated. angry. humiliated.
manager of my intramural basketball team tells us we have a game tonight. 45 minutes before supposedly scheduled game, there is a scheduled animal welfare speaking engagement that has been planned for over a YEAR. I am only able to attend 20 minutes of this presentation, which is incidentally fascinating, before i must leave and run back to the rec center, 15 minutes before alleged game. once i arrive, i shoot around and warm up for about 5 minutes before realizing that something is not quite right.
where are all the other teams? or the officials? hmmm...
i look quizzically at our manager, incidentally whom i dated briefly for about a month before i broke up with him, amically, and he stares back at me. so i ask, "where is everyone?" and he replies, "i don't know... why are you staring at me?" i then express my confusion at the fact that no one else is bothered by the lack of competitors and rec staff, and inquire whether he plans on asking anyone about it. he answers that, no, he's not going to, and why can't i go if i care so much? i am rather taken aback, and then say, "fine, i will go find out what's going on", and as i leave he yells at my back, in front of everyone, "why don't you just get over yourself?" at this point i'm pissed. flat out. i go down to the intramural office, find out that in fact the games ended last week and the teams with a .500 record or better are actually into playoffs now. sadly, this isn't us.
i go back upstairs, deliver this information to the rest of the team, and then pull the manager aside.
me: why did i have to go do that?
him: because i didn't want to ask.
me (confused): why?
him: because i didn't want to walk downstairs... is this going to be a problem?
me (even more confused): wha?.... ok, now i'm just frustrated.
i walk away, extremely irritated by the lack of leadership shown, but also really hurt by being spotlighted as the bad guy in the situation for taking a leadership role. i will admit that i am a type A personality, and in some situations i can be downright bossy, but expecting someone in a leadership position to show a little bit of responsibility is generally not too much to ask, especially in a case where at least one of the players has sacrificed an important event to show up.
after milling around for another five minutes, my team decides to play a game of four on four. splendid idea. we shoot for teams, (he and i are on opposite) and begin playing. i'm upset and hurt still, but figure that i can blow off some steam and go home in a decent mood. things are alright, i'm probably visibly pissed but at least i'm working off the aggression. however, the other team starts to lose, and guess who is a really bad loser.... he starts play rough, tough defense and really aggressive, to the point of being really obvious about it.
so game point situation: our possession, me at post. i get the ball at the elbow, pivot, and drive in for the lay-in, just in time to get hacked by one player, oh, and punched in the eye by him (i still managed to make the lay-in btw). i stumble off with my cheek stinging and my emotions in tatters. intentional or not, that is it; i have absolutely had it. i walk back, barely managed to squeak out "ok, i'm going home" before walking quickly to the locker room where i can totally lose it in the privacy of a bathroom stall.
i regain some semblance of composure before walking home, where i plop on the couch and watch the rest of jeopardy. beautiful end to a decent day.
hi motime... it's been awhile.
life comes at you fast, like in those commercials, and sometimes you don't have time to sti down and write about it. so i haven't been. but lets just say that life keeps marching on. things are ok. i just need to get a grip and remember that, a)the world does not revolve around me, henceforth the world is not out to get me, and b)naps are good.
i'm sick with the plague right now, had a fever for the past two days and missed class yesterday. at least there's only one more midterm left, and then it's finals, and then spring break! woohoo!! i'm muy excited. i need a break soooooo badly. and there's nothing like camping at the oregon beach in march to make you appreciate how dry and warm it is inside a classroom.
chester tagged me, so i'm taking time out of my incredibly hectic schedule (...) to fill this out. here goes...
Four jobs I've had:
Advising assistant in the Horticulture Department at OSU
Labeling Specialist for Buchholz Nursery
Assistant Riding Director at Camp Killoqua
ummm......
Four movies I'd watch over and over:
Life is Beautiful
Dogma
Donny Darko (excellent soundtrack)
Dr. Strangelove
Four places I've lived:
Mount Lake Terrace, Washington
Gaston, Oregon
McNary Dorm, Corvallis, OR
Apartment, Corvallis, Or
Four TV shows I love:
I don't watch a whole lot of TV, but...
Daily Show
CSI
House
South Park
Four places I've vacationed:
Hell's Canyon, OR
The Redwoods in CA
Walla Walla, WA
Steen's Mountain, OR
Four favorite dishes:
Spaghetti
Stirfry
Smoked Salmon
Pie! any kind will do
Four sites I visit daily:
Motime
Yahoo
Facebook
Million Dollar Home Page ...it's set as my homepage, lol
Four places I'd rather be right now:
At home with Bucky!!!
At home with Andrew
Europe
At home in bed, asleep and not thinking about my midterm
Four bloggers I'm tagging:
John
Jared
BiggusDickus
PattyJane
for some reason, i can't make my avatar any bigger, and i'm no whiz at html, so i have no idea how to do that. otherwise, a new look for my blog!
ahoy hoy....
bored out of my mind.... my boss had a family emergency and had to leave the office for the week, so on the days i've been coming in there really hasn't been much to do other than keep the office open and answer questions about "where's debbie?" nobody likes me, :-(... actually, i think a lot of the students do like me, which is kind of nice, and the staff is either friendly or indifferent. so that's cool, i guess.
o chem midterm last night. i answered every single question confidently except for one, which was to draw a structure based on a spectrum given to us, and i couldn't get it to work, ahh! frustrating! but i think overall i did pretty well. i'm hoping for an A, because in that class i'm pretty sure that there will be some high grades and he won't be curving too many of the tests. so we'll see... he hasn't posted a key yet, or told us when we'll get our grades. hopefully by the weekend.
speaking of o chem, this guy i went to high school with who was a year ahead of me is in my o chem class, and we talk and joke around a little occasionally. but lately, like over the past week or so, he's been kind of.. a little more interested, shall we say. he came to my intramural basketball game, which i thought was kinda funny, and then yesterday, after the exam, he asked me if i wanted to come over and have a drink with him. i politely declined, and i think he felt a little embarrassed about it, but i just think it's hilarious. i mean, in high school, i was a nobody. i must really have changed since i've been ino college, if people who knew me then and weren't even slightly interested are showing interest now.
i actually find it quite fascinating, this idea of being desirable by men. i hadn't noticed it until i broke up with andrew, and then guys started coming at me right and left. it kind of sensitized me to male attention, even thought i'm back with andrew, so that now, when i'm walking down the street, i watch their eyes as we pass each other, and i'd say around 50% either make direct eye contact and stare at me or just focus on my chest, which is even funnier because i'm not particularly busty. it's just unusual for me because i've never consciously realized what sort of power the female form has over men, specifically my own body. i like to think that my guy friends like me for my personality and not necessarily my physical aspects, but i know that it's probably a factor in there somewhere.
going back to basketball: my intramural team lost, by like 12 or 13 i think. i didn't really care to look at the score afterwards. i know that intramurals are supposed to be fun, not intense, but i still got frustrated because it didn't feel like we were playing as a team. it was very much four individual efforts (in co-ed games it's 4-on-4), not combined effort for the team benefit. i guess i would find it fun to have that team mentality and make things work, not just go out there and play rat ball, so hopefully at our next practice they'll let me teach them a play or two and we can get some organization. even if we don't win, it'll be fun just to put out a good team effort.
wow... this is a loooong post for me. i guess i should start writing again more often, but i really don't have the time to be consistent about it any more. le sigh...
midterms... what a joke. ok, granted, the animal physiology test i studied for feverishly, and it paid off, but i glanced over my notes this morning for contentious issues, skimmed the book for 20 minutes, and finished a 40 question test in 15 minutes. i'm much less stressed knowing how to study for future tests now... the first one always makes me tense, because some teachers throw you curveballs, but i'm not worried about them anymore.
it's intramural basketball season!!!!! wednesdays at 6:15, i'll be playing with my co-ed team. So much fun... co-ed is better than just women's, because some girls get major attitude problems when they play against people they don't know, and that just makes it tense and uncomfortable. so i got a bunch of guy friends together and a few girls, and it's going to be great. not to mention that i'm taking a basketball class. so i'm going to be in greeeaaaat shape after this term. sweet!!!
raining again today... fooey. i want it to be nice! i want to go outside for a walk, or play frisbee, or have fun out of doors! but i hate getting rained on, so i sit inside, look out the window and sulk about the weather. productive, i know...
on a side note, since i don't think i've mentioned this, my parents have decided that they want to move to new zealand. my reaction: "....." what?!!? new zealand is like half way around the world! granted, i'd like to go there at some point, to VISIT, but they want to move there! i'm not sure i'm ready for that... i still like them enough to want to see them upon occasion, like once or twice a month. hmm.......
i started to post yesterday and was interrupted by life... but it wasn't about anything important anyway. i realize that my blog is less than intellectually stimulating most of the time, but you gotta have some time where you aren't thinking about something important, and i guess this is it. not to say that i don't present important information... lol. i'm sure everyone comes rushing to read this hoping i will have stumbled upon the latest and most impressive philosophy of life. slash not. ;-)
i like my thursdays. start at 11, three classes ending in basketball at 5. and plenty of break time to study/read. this is the first term where i've been able to read a book of my personal choice. i love it. i just finished "memoirs of a geisha" and now i want to go see the movie, although, as per usual, it probably won't be as good as the book. i'm starting on "catch 22" a book i read in high school and remember enjoying greatly, so i'm reading it again.
ugh, two midterms next week. already!?! it's only week 2! animal physiology should be alright, i understand it fairly well, and contentious issues should be alright as long as i put in a decent amount of time reviewing the information. nothing is hard yet, just a lot of reading. but what else is new... at least i don't have to do any papers this term.
going home this weekend to animal sit for the parentals while they take a vacation. i've always ridden home with someone else before, so i never realized how long and lonely a drive it is from gaston to corvallis. an hour and a half of nothing but the road and your thoughts... can get kinda depressing. at least i have something to look forward to now when i go home... i actually feel fairly equal about home and corvallis. i don't mind leaving corvallis, but i don't mind going back either. it's a nice change of mindset.
anyway, i'm going to eat lunch, read my book, and maybe take a nap. sweeeeeet...
Name: Jacklyn
a new pirate picture!!!
a girl named chester
AMANDA!!!
andrew's photo site
my trollish friend... or fiend...
the fake doctors are in...
upon the soapbox
will i always reminisce?
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